The First Book I Wrote

This last week, I made a presentation to students in a after-school writing program. In the question-and-answer session, a student asked me, “What was your first book?”

I held up Joy Returns!

“No,” she said, “what was the first book you wrote as a child?”

And just like that, a memory popped up in my brain that I hadn't thought of for a very long time.

“Well,” I said, “you will probably have never heard of this person. His name was Joe Garigiola. He was a professional baseball player, and I knew him as a game-show host on television. And he was bald.” I paused. “For some reason, when I was young, I thought that bald men were hilarious. So one afternoon, after watching Joe Garigiola on television, I wrote a joke book about bald men. I called it The Baldy Joke Book.”

I told them that I didn't really know why I had thought bald men were so funny. I said it wasn't a terribly enlightened thing to believe, much less use as an inspiration for a book. I said I had announced my intention to my family right after the show was over. They all basically rolled their eyes. I didn't care. I was on a mission. I went straight off to my room and I dashed off a book of jokes that made me laugh so hard, I wept. I drew illustrations for the book and created a cover that proudly carried my name.

I have no idea what happened to that book. I had forgotten about it for so many years. I would imagine that the jokes were super silly with probably never much of a shelf life to begin with. But what I will hold on to was that sense of pure, unadulterated delight at the idea of making this book and dreaming up these jokes, and feeling that it didn't matter if others didn't understand, that it was something that pleased me to the nth degree, and that I could do it, and in a very short while, hold my book in my hands. And I did.

This morning, while making coffee, I thought, “That couldn't possibly be the first book I wrote.”

And then I remembered two before then, class assignments, a table full of children's creations, stories with construction paper covers. We had punched holes in the pages, and the books were held together by yarn. I know my first book was inspired by The Exorcist. And when it came time for my second book, the teacher said I could not write a sequel. Was that a class policy or did she not want to hear further details about demonic possession? I will never know. I remember I was disappointed, but then I rallied. I wish I could remember what I dreamed up next.

Words to Young Writers

This week, I have the chance to talk to the students in Word Lab, an activity put on by the Young Writers Program in Santa Cruz County. In this nine-week adventure, students write a story that is then reviewed, edited, and published in an anthology that they will receive this summer. Here's what I have to say:

Thank you for this opportunity today. It's always such a great honor to be at Word Lab. I volunteered at Word Lab for three different sessions—Spring 2017, Fall 2017, and Winter 2018. I had planned to volunteer again for Spring 2018, for this session, and then Life stepped in, and we have to move. My family and I will be leaving Santa Cruz in three weeks and moving up to the Gold Country. I'm very sad that I couldn't work with you. I really wanted to.

Today I thought I would say a few words about things I wish I had known when I was a young writer. I wanted to be a writer ever since I knew how to read. I didn't know it at the time, but reading is the first great tool that you have in learning how to be the best writer you can be. Reading can inspire you. You can learn great things from reading. When I was young, my two favorite books were Harriet the Spy and A Little Princess. I loved Harriet the Spy because it was a story about a young girl who felt so passionately about writing that, if she couldn't write, it was as if she had been deprived of oxygen. She knew that about herself, and so she always had a notebook on hand to jot down her thoughts. After I read Harriet the Spy, I always had a notebook, too. In A Little Princess, Sarah Crewe's world is turned upside down when her father dies. In order to get through her grief and her change in circumstances, she turns to her imagination. She makes up stories. She learns to find joy and beauty in situations that most people would find hard to bear. When I read this book, I began to understand how telling stories can change your life. So it's something to think about. What are your favorite books? What do you like the most about them? Do they teach you a lesson that it feels important to remember? Is there a type of story that you like best? Maybe you like coming-of-age stories or romances or mysteries or war stories or fantasies or horror stories or thrillers. Whatever you most like to read, you will probably like to write in that genre.

And then there's what exactly to write about. Sometimes that can feel overwhelming, figuring out exactly what you want to write. Again, I would say, think about what you love. For me, although I love to write, there are always moments when it's difficult, and it just makes it easier if you're writing about something that really interests you or something you know a lot about or something you feel strongly about. When you choose something like that, you'll have specific things to say or describe. It's a great way to make your words come alive to your readers.

Over the years, as a writer, I've learned that I really need to give myself time to write. You have this built into your time at Word Lab, but it's something to think about for your life as a writer when you're not here, in the years ahead. I have discovered that if I can even take fifteen minutes a day that I can get a lot done. And on the days when that doesn't seem possible, if I can jot down an idea or a couple of sentences that have popped in my head, then it feels like I'm strengthening my writing muscles, and in the long run, I develop more confidence and trust in myself as a writer. It doesn't mean that there aren't still times when I feel stumped or that every sentence seems to come out as mush, but if I keep writing, I begin to remember that this discomfort has happened before and that I will eventually write my way out of it, and I will be happy with my words again, that that moment is actually around the next corner, if I just have faith in what I'm doing.

At Word Lab, there comes a time when it's important to share your work with others. Now writers are often sensitive souls. I certainly am. This part of the process can be hard for me. And this is what I would say to you about it: It's important. It's necessary. Listen. Appreciate the fact that you can get help. If you're not the foremost authority on spelling or where commas should go, you have volunteers at your table who will happy to tell you all about that. I know that for me, sometimes after I've worked very hard on something, it's hard for me to see it any more. Another person can find something that needs to be fixed, and I may feel silly that I missed it, but I'm really grateful that they pointed it out to me. Sometimes I know my story so well that I may be telling it in code. My listener may say to me, “I don't quite understand this or that” and it's only then that I realize that something quite clear in my head may need to be spelled out more so that other people can see it, too. And there are sometimes when I get feedback that doesn't seem right. Then here's what I do. I listen. I make a note to myself. I may get a second opinion. Sometimes I'll think on it myself. There are times when after I think on it, I realize that person was absolutely right. Sometimes I decide that wasn't the change that I wanted to make, but it really should be changed in another way. Sometimes I leave it the way it was.

And in the end, there will be a book, and you will feel the power and the glory of holding that book in your hands, opening it up, reading your friends' work, and turning to the page with your name on it, and seeing your story there. It's a great feeling, and you all deserve it. I wish you the absolute best, and I hope that you will always keep on writing and telling your stories.

Paper

We are in the midst of preparing to move.

I am going through paper. I have quite a lot of it—notebooks and statements and drafts that have settled in drifts around me. I'm accustomed to it after all these years, but now we have to move.

So I'm making decisions—discard, recycle, shred, or file. I'm remembering moments of my writer's life. I have notebooks where I told myself to write anything, just so that I could get in a habit of writing again. After that, I had notebooks where I planned projects. They're full of writing clusters, lists, outlines, scenes, and back again.

Rifling through these pages, I came across a letter that I had forgotten. When I tried to please everyone but me and tried to write the book that they thought I should write, I almost lost my project. Anyway, in going through these old papers, I found a letter I wrote to my book. This was when I really didn't think I could write it. I apologized to my book. I made a promise. I said that I would stay true to my book, that perhaps no one else in the world would understand, but that the deal was between me and my book. And then I wrote it. I thought I would share what I did with you because it was something that was critical for me in that process. I had to set things right between me and my book. I had to recognize the importance of our connection and honor it above all others.

How Writing Can Surprise You

Writing can trick you. You can think that you're writing about one thing, and on one level you are, but you are also writing about something else.

I wanted to write Joy Returns! because I wanted to capture that moment that I remembered of falling in love with music. But as I wrote the book, I realized that it was also about staying true to your creativity and holding on despite what happens and what other people do. Similarly, when I wrote Kate and the Horses, I knew I wanted to write about the horses that I knew when I was young. I didn't realize that I was about to embark on a journey where I would really explore how I felt alone and different in the world.

I had to write this current book because my cat died, and I promised her before she died that I would. I believe she was pleased about that, but the promise was more so my heart wouldn't completely break. I had a project to do. I wanted to honor her and other cats that I've known in my life. But, as the project has gone on, I'm not sure if I'm writing about cats or about all different parts of me. The book has become a story of figuring out where is home. Two months ago, the day after I handed over the draft to my beta readers, I received a letter from our landlord, announcing a 37 percent rent increase. We realized that we have been priced out of where we live. Mike and I and our cats would have to find a new home. It felt sudden, and it felt like something that I had been working on for months.

I think we have found a new place. We are going to sign the new lease this week. It is in the Gold Country. It happened in a magical way, like a day when the words seem to fly out of your fingers. We were visiting friends there. We just went to see if we would like it. We had no appointments, nothing organized. But before we left after breakfast, we decided just to go see a house nearby. There happened to be men working outside, and they agreed to let us in. I talked to one of them. I told him we had three cats. I said I had been looking at listings, and no one seemed to want a tenant with animals. He told me he liked cats. I showed him pictures of ours on the phone.

When we got home, we filled out a formal application with the property management company, although we don't look that great on paper. It felt doomed. But they called us back in two days. I had actually been talking to the owner of the property. He liked us. They wanted us as tenants. If all goes right, we'll be moving in a month.

And that's what I think writing does. It opens your heart. It shows you things that you didn't know or you didn't want to think about. It eases pain. It shines sunlight on to wounds. It is powerful medicine.

The Mystery of Writing

Lately, I've been thinking about how I write. The way I work doesn't really line up with the way I thought it would be. When I was growing up, I imagined that being a writer meant that you sat at your desk for a certain amount of time each day, and you wrote chapters until you finished your book. Then you sat at your desk and revised, and one day, you wrote "The End," and it was cause for great celebration.

It turns out that I don't sit at a desk. I write in bed. And I have concentrated periods of time where I am writing chapters.  But more and more, I'm finding that an important part of writing is listening and doing things that doesn't look like much. Doodles. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Taking a walk. Stopping in the middle of an errand to write something down in that red notebook that lives in my purse. Making timelines, clustering. Engaging in basic brainstorming that doesn't translate to word counts. And I could work on the celebration. Right now that just consists of a basic Snoopy dance and a hoot and a holler or two.

Sometimes it all feels fraudulent. Why am I not writing paragraphs? Is this really going to end up being a chapter? Then I remember back in the day when I read Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. She recommended morning pages, writing two pages in a notebook when you first woke up. I probably did that for a year. It did make me feel like I was doing something.  But I have no idea what happened to those notebooks. I never referred to those pages again. If I looked back at them now, I'm sure I would read something along the lines of "I'm very tired. The sky looks grey today. A bird is singing. I wonder what kind of bird sings that song." So I achieved my goals at the time. I wrote those two pages, but it didn't take me anywhere.

I'm currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic. It's all about creativity, and I'm sure many would think it was too woo woo. But California is my home. I can speak woo woo. Anyway, in the book, Gilbert talks about  how she thinks ideas come to writers. She feels that an idea will choose a writer, and the writer can then decide if this is an idea  that she wants to explore. If she doesn't, that's fine. The idea will find someone else. If she does, the idea and the writer are now in relationship. And if things come up and the writer ends up not pursuing the idea, then the idea goes and finds a writer who will.

When I was writing Joy Returns!, I was afraid my idea would leave me. If that had happened, I would have understood. I listened to someone else's idea of my idea. I tried to bend myself in a pretzel to figure out how to make my idea their idea, and then I cried and couldn't write anything. I felt my idea going away. But before she did, she woke me up in the middle of the night for several days in a row. She made me write when I was tired and had no analytical resources. I just threw words on a page and thought they were nothing. Then she let me sleep through the night again. When I read the words in the light of day, I realized that my idea was still here, and I settled down and got to work and vowed to listen and not to stray.

Writing is a mysterious business. I'm often humbled. I always learn from the process. I frequently feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I try to keep track. I try to keep a connection. I try to honor the ideas that come to me and write them down as fully and as clearly as I can.